Yesterday morning I pretty much hit a wall…I woke up crying and for the most part, cried a good chunk of the day. I would get a grip and 10 minutes later, for no apparent reason, break into tears again. When Russell would ask me why…I had no real answer. Finally, last night, the urge to break into hysteria finally subsided. It was only then was I able to really analyze why I was feeling what I was feeling and actually verbalize it….not a simple answer, but a host of things that over the last 6 weeks had either gotten stuffed or shoved aside for all kinds of reasons. Some of them because of actual busyness, some of them from my own inability to address them for fear that I would look weak or vulnerable. I think getting sick and being physically weak helped push me over the edge, and it’s probably a good thing….being the achiever/persister I am, I would have continued to go on about it without dealing with the emotions that were clearly affecting my attitude about our life here.
I guess the simplified answer is…I’m lonely. But it really is more than that. At home, I am an independent kinda girl…always have been…I’m the one who handles our finances (I ran Rainey Designs and run Christ in the Tetons, so it naturally spilled over to our personal finances), I’m the one who didn’t think TWICE about getting in my car and driving across county, either alone or with two small kids, if I wanted to head back to AR from WY. I’m the one that has friendships that run deep, VERY DEEP. My girlfriends and my family are a lifeline of sorts for me. Russell and I have never been the sort of married couple that had to be together all the time….we both cherish our times apart…making the times together all the better. Fast forward to here….where men definitely (although 56% of the Parliament is women) rule the roost. I am “Russell’s wife”….to try to go to the bank and get money without him, is difficult (not that I really need money, cause there’s not that much to even buy). We don’t have a car, so getting anywhere is also difficult, entailing walking or riding the bikes, or better yet, African buses. Running to the grocery store, isn’t a grocery store at all….getting some simple something from Wal-Mart…ummmm….not so much….no Wal-Mart’s or anything like it, and if there were, they wouldn’t have what I wanted or needed, and the language barrier is a constant issue. But more than all of that combined, I am without my core support system….my friends and family. Sure, we talk occasionally and Facebook each other, and instant message on Skype, but it’s surely not the same. Russell has been great, but he doesn’t, nor will he ever be able to, fill the hole in my heart that my girlfriends, my kids and my family fill. He simply can’t be my girlfriend, my daughter, my sister or my mom!
So, you ask…have you prayed about it…well, of course I have. I don’t know that, in this case, God has answered as much as He’s listened. And that’s ok. I don’t know that there was anything He could do…I think by just listening, He has allowed me to process through what has been a struggle for me most of my adult life…fear of failure. If I say outloud, “I’m lonely”, is that failure? If I had pulled the plug on this whole thing yesterday (like I would have done had I been able to get in my car (which I don’t have) and get to an airport (except it’s 2 hours away), would that have been a failure? Two weeks ago, it would have been to me, today, I can honestly say, NO, it is not! Am I still lonely…..yes, I am…not even a good night’s sleep and settled down tummy can change that. Am I going to get on a plane today and pull the plug on this whole thing…No, I’m not. No one, especially God, promised this would be easy. I didn’t expect it to be….I didn’t expect it to be this soul searching either. I’ve said all along that being here would probably teach me a lot more than I am able to teach, and it hasn’t taken long to realize how true that statement is. I expect that as time goes on, with my new found ability to express what I am feeling without the fear that it is somehow a failure, it will enable me to build relationships here. To feel more independent, whether the men of this country like it or not….to be who I am rather that who I think the culture here thinks I should be. It’s all such a process…is it sometimes a painful one…absolutely. Will I survive it and end up stronger because of it…ABSOLUTELY! “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil 4:13
But as not to end this week on a completely sad sack note…didn’t know you would be part of a therapy session when you started reading today now did ya.…we have had some more “Life in Africa” moments….10 days ago, I walked into the kitchen at the hotel and was handling a crisis situation...you know, being my serious…let’s see how we can address this problem….self, and just about the time I hear the “bah, bah”…I see it as well…the goat…yes a GOAT…tied up in the kitchen. I was thinking….am I delusional…high blood pressure maybe…seeing things…NOOOO…it was a real, live goat. My first reaction…have to be honest here…was “WHAT THE H#& IS THERE A GOAT DOING TIED UP IN THIS KITCHEN”, which I said out loud, but no one understood me because no one speaks a lick of English, save one guy, who said to me in his broken English “lunch tomorrow”….now, from the quizzical look on my face, he could tell it wasn’t quite registering, so he very simply raised his hand to his throat and made the left to right motion….to which I gasp, and then the whole staff laughed at my horror of the whole thing. I said “Get that goat out of this kitchen and I don’t want to ever, EVER see another animal tied up in here again” How many code violations do you think were violated….IF we had inspectors, I’m thinking quite a few.
And then yesterday, of all days, Pete, the rooster, became a back-up singer….or as I now call him, Pete, the PIP…as in Gladys Knight and the PIPS…minds out of the gutter people, minds out of the gutter. Although, the way the chickens are always in an uproar over there…..I’m just sayin. So, you know, the Church (St. John the Baptist) is not 25 yards away. Well yesterday, the choir practiced ALL DAY…and when I say all day….I mean like 7 AM -5PM….and their repertoire is about 10 English, contemporary Christian songs. So they go after it, singing the same songs over and over, with the keyboard set on a beat like a rockin pop song, and after each song ended, the microphone would squeal…and every time they would hit a high note or the mic would squeal, Pete, the Pip, would crow with everything he had…as if on cue. So, we dubbed it KSJB (as in a radio station that plays the same songs in a rotation) and live in the studio, Pete, the Pip. You’ve gotta love how much these precious people love the Lord and want to always praise Him, but I think they should carefully consider bringing Pete, the Pip, in to sing back up on a regular basis….it might just save him from my dining room table!
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